BYU graduate student Caleb Miller will be able to tell for sure what his professors really think of his thesis because of the revolutionary new app he created. “Who’s Judging Me?” is an app to take the guesswork out of what others are thinking about YOU!
“Sometimes I think someone is judging me,” says Kaitlin Jones, a 22-year old Senior at BYU, “but I’m not sure. It bugs me not to know. If I know why they’re judging me, I can explain why they’re wrong about whatever they think they don’t like about me.”
Kaitlin and her best friend Kylie tried out the new app at their Church meetings last Sunday, but haven’t viewed the results yet. They agreed to wait until our interview to see the results “It will be so awesome if it really works!” exclaims an excited Kylie.
Controversy over privacy
Some people are against the new app. They feel like it violates privacy, and could prove disruptive to important social relationships. A lawsuit is pending that would compel Caleb Miller to explain how he devised the algorithm that can so accurately predict whether someone is judging another person or not. Miller is confident that his new app can stand the scrutiny, claiming that his algorithm is based on publicly available information the subject is revealing, such as micro-expressions, head tilts, and brainwave bursts.
Church experiment with Kaitlin and Kylie
The app is simple to use. Simply download it to your phone, then point your camera at the potential judgmental person. It works best if the video is longer than 2 minutes, and if the subject is looking directly at you for at least part of the video.
For Kaitlin’s first subject, she choose Jessica. “I don’t know her very well,” says Kaitlin, “but it seems like she’s always giving me these dirty looks.” Kaitlin took a short video of Jessica a few days ago at Church, but has waited as agreed to view the results:
“Wow,” say Kaitlin and Kylie in unison. It turns out that Jessica has what is known as “resting judgy face”, and was simply enjoying Church without judging anyone. “Bummer for Jessica,” says Kaitlin, “I’m gonna start being nicer to her.” Kylie nods in agreement, “me too,” she says.
Kylie brings out her phone, and taps on her first saved video. The subject is Ben, who talked with Kylie for a half-hour after a devotional once, but never asked her out even though he seemed interested at the time. Kylie wants to know if he’s judging. And the results are:
Kylie seems both relieved that he’s not judging her, and disappointed that he’s not thinking of her at all.
Kaitlin decided to just point the camera randomly, and see what would happen. It focused on a new person on the back row. And the results were:
At this point of the interview, Kaitlin and Kylie look a little sheepish. “We took a video of the Bishop,” Kaitlin explains. “It seemed like the perfect test for the app.” The screenshot of the Bishop’s results were a little surprising:
Kaitlin gasps, “the Bishop was totally judging me a little! I can’t believe it. He’s thinking and feeling 15 more things, too. That’s so many things. He sure has a lot on his mind. The free app only shows you up to five. I didn’t want to purchase that upgrade, but I did buy the upgrade that divides the 2% judgment into unrighteous or caring judgment.” And the results were:
Both girls are quiet for a moment. “That’s cool that he cares so much. I feel kind of guilty now,” Kaitlin says. Kylie smiles sheepishly, “I guess our bishop is pretty cool.”
“Oh, wait, I have one more,” says Kaitlin, “I didn’t even know I was recording, so I’m not sure who this is, but they are totally judging me and everyone else at Church. I wish I knew who this was. Caleb says the app can’t keep a recording of the video because of some privacy thing, but maybe there’s a secret hack ’cause I really need to know who this is!”
Disclaimer: This post is a humorous piece based on completely fictional characters. The app mentioned above is not real, although the perils highlighted are.